TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're chatting Damascus, town Traditionally known for ancient tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed within the putting inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the finest. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally outside of place. Created by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A three-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable h2o. But yes, sure, let's have A different place in which American Males can use robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While earlier negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: offer you Absolutely everyone a collection to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be comfortable energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental Trump Tower Damascus watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower within a war zone. It can be that he should really halt working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the job, replied, "You understand, male, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Good tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head obvious from House, a aspect becoming marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits just after discovering the building's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It's not only unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Options


Probably the strangest element from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium in which company might contemplate vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Tactic: "When you Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The ad marketing campaign, just lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Permanently."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where by's the closest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is currently attracting focus from Worldwide investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll acquire a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount may also include:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to discover a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a hotel where my PTSD can have transform-down service."


Another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Views from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It needed gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as Structure. I gave all of it a few. You are welcome."

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